so, major disappointment since being here: the guy, JJ, who told me in april that i was the next one to be hired in basically, was laid off from that company. they aren't hiring.

he told me this the day after i got here. i don't blame him or anything. i'm not mad at him. i'm just majorly bummed out. i wanted to work there. i was looking forward to working there. i did my homework on that place. and now, they are down-sizing.

had i known this before packing up my life and moving down here, i might have thought twice. i've talked to other places in the area and most of them are freelance videographers. most of them don't have a staff. how could i be such a fool?

so, needless to say, i started applying to banks and places back in MI. at least there, i'd have actual people to talk to. instead of the walls and ceiling.

i'm thinking film is just going to become a hobby of mine. i don't have the energy anymore. it just turns into a huge headache.

i'm here at least until august (unless i got a job in MI right away). i paid for a month of rent. maybe i can work for a few weeks here, save up some cash, and then pack my life up again and go home.

the thought of MI i don't mind. it's the thought of jackson. i wish, in NC, i could get the same medical insurance discounts as i do in MI. i don't even want to know what the cost of a blood test is w/o coverage. let alone a blood test every two weeks. i guess i'm supposed to be gaining weight, too. i'm not at all gaining weight...? probably the stress.

f my life.

Seriously.

When I woke up this morning, it was raining out. And cool. Like 75. Today is the first time I've ever seen it rain in Carolina (since I've been here soooooo long) and the first time I've experienced humidity. I guess rain and summer and humidity kind of go hand in hand. At any rate, I don't mind the rain, but the humidity is puke. I think...yup, I'm pretty sure that humidity was created in the 3rd circle of hell. At any rate, I'm inside, so that humidity can suck it.

What did I do for my 4th of July, you ask? Well, no fireworks. I'm sure they were downtown at the ball park, I just didn't feel like going down there and trying to find a place to park all alone. But I did check out the Durham Farmer's Market. It was totally cute and had a lot of vegetables. I didn't buy any, though, because I was just going to check it out...and I didn't have any cash on me. I wanted to pay 25 cents for a raffle ticket to win a bike, but I didn't have a quarter. I'm totally pathetic.

I walked around a bit more downtown and took some pics. They are on my facebook, so have a look. All in all, it was a pretty all right time. Then I decided to go to Kroger and to rent some movies. It's interesting how you can walk into a Kroger store and feel totally at home. Familiarity is something I've kind of been looking for here and low and behold, I got it at Kroger. There is even a Starbucks in Kroger. Yet another reason why Jackson sucks. I'm pretty sure someone is going to try and sue me someday for talking crap about Jackson. I suppose they can go ahead and try, but even they themselves can't deny the ugly truth. And, I don't have any money whatsoever. Yeah, go ahead and take the 13 cents out of my wallet, punk. If you can find any in there.

I decided to check out the Catholic church on my street and go to 5:30 mass. I've always liked that Catholic churches offer mass on Saturday afternoons. Why don't some protestant churches do this? I HATE getting up on Sunday mornings and getting ready for church. Wow, I'm awesome. At any rate, it was cool and entirely catholic and I enjoyed it. The message was about keeping faith. How apro pro. I was reading the little paragraph about the young adult group I hung out with the other night. It said anyone was welcome- 20s, 30s, 40s.

Ok, no offense to 40 year olds, but I am 24. There is a huge age gap/maturity level in 15 years. When I hear "young adult", I tend to think of 20s, early 30s. It was just strange I thought. Whatever I guess.

Speaking of no money up there, I've decided to not dawdle around waiting to see if any of these places call me. I've decided to go to a few staffing agencies and see what happens. It might be kind of helpful having someone else find me a job since my energy is slowly dwindling. Screw you, thyroid gland. DIIIIIIIIIIIE. (It is dying...) So, I'm going to check some out around town and hope they don't find me a garbage man job. I really, really, REALLY do not want retail. I hate people. That is all I can say. But I'll take what I get. Unless it is a garbage man. I will move back home before I do that.

I rented two movies last night: Reservation Road and New in Town. Let's talk about Reservation Road for a second. It stars Kate and Leo, and I was a little worried that it'd be all Rose and Jack and love and icebergs and ships sinking and crap. (I just totally laughed out loud at that last sentence.) But it really wasn't at all. They were completely different characters. All in all, I found this movie to be hopeless and totally boring. I am still trying to figure out what the point of it was. All I know is, Kate hates being married to Leo who hates his job who both want to move to Paris because they think it will make them both happy who decide not to do it and in the end Kate hates Leo and she gives herself an abortion and dies. The end. Can someone please tell me what the point is? All it did was make me feel sad and hopeless for my own life.

New in Town. Renee Zellweger and Harry Connick, Jr. One word: HILARIOUS. Renee has a couple funny scenes in this movie, including one where I was totally in tears from laughing (if you're wondering, it's the carhart suit scene). It takes place in the dead of winter in Minnesota. It made me miss home a lot because I like the dead of winter. Things to look forward to: Minnesota accents, small towns, funny one liners, funny situations, Harry Connick, Jr., easily relating to the dead of winter.

Highlight of the day: I TALKED TO KARA!!!! It seriously made my day. And gave me a little boost of hopefulness.

I'm off to do British things.

Ok, so after having taken some time to get to know my surroundings, I indeed know them a little better. However, Durham is actually bigger than I thought it was so it's still going to take some time. That being said, it is still small enough to be cute and cozy. I've stumbled upon some eclectic coffee shops in certain districts and really enjoy them, mainly because they have free wireless. Free wireless means I can browse the internet and casually sip away on my coffee.

I decided to take a couple days not going out to the far reaches of Durham but applying to various places online. This turned out to be quite the productive day. And today I spent a lot of time mapping out where film/video companies/services are. Tomorrow the plan is to drop off resumes at said film/video places and beg for a job. I really have no idea the size and stature of these companies, but I guess I'll find out.

Tonight, JJ (my "landlord" if you will) invited me out with the young adult church group to go to a Durham Bulls baseball game. First of all, the young adult church group is from the catholic church JJ attends. I was raised catholic, I'm in. Secondly, the Durham Bulls if you don't know (which I know you don't) is a pretty prestigious minor league team, and they are the farm team for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. For example, the farm team for the Tigers is the Lansing Lugnuts. Anyway, we met up at Tyler's, a bar/saloon/awesome-looking-place downtown to meet up with adult group. JJ walked me down there. There are no words to describe it except that it is absolutely cool down there! I will post pictures for you later. I really can't describe it. It was just cool and made me feel good. Anyway, this young adult group is (are?) beer drinkers. And since I do not at all drink beer and hate the taste of it to all ends, I totally gave in and ordered a beer. It was something that had a chocolatey after taste, but it still made me gag. I didn't want to drink the rest of it because I.HATE.BEER, but since JJwas buying me my first Durham beer, I gulped it down. Mind you, I was starving. What does chugging beer on an empty stomach do to you, boys and girls? That's right. Makes you drunk. While I was not nearly totally hammered, I was a little tipsy. Great. Great for all the catholics meeting me. Just dandy, Diana. At any rate, I turned out okay.

Then we went to the ball game!!! It was awesome! The field is so cute. I just...loved it.

Now I'm chilling out and texting back and forth with my sister. I miss the little munchkin that is my adorably cute niece.

...but i decided to try my hair up today. i found some bobby pins in my stuff. kara, they are probably yours. (PS...I just posted a new blog yesterday, so read below. NOW.) Since this hasn't happened since I was about 4 years old (or at the prom/a wedding), I've put up some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Ok, I'm over myself.

Well, so far, I like it here. The main frustrating aspect, though: navigating. And I thought Jackson wasn't a grid system. HA. This place is worse. But I went around today and actually figured out where I am in relation to certain places/highways, so that's encouraging. And let me just say how proud I am of myself for driving here from TN all by myself. I didn't even mess up. Ok, well I missed my exit one time on I-40 because there were huge signs that read:

"I-40 East Greensboro/Raleigh" with 3 lanes going in that direction. And a sign right next to it that said, "I-40 East Greensboro/Raleigh" with 3 lanes veering off another direction, but still east. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! Anyway, by some huge luck, I took the "right" east, but missed my exit because I was too far over. And not expecting it. I got back on and all was good. Reading a map and driving at the same time is totally unfun.

I met up with JJ to get my key and head into my house. Upon entering my house, I met a housemate named Garth. Garth is tall and skinny and a runner. Garth has the flu. Garth is a Duke law student. Garth is from Chicago. And Garth lives above me. I asked Garth what kind of lawyer he wanted to be and he said, "Evil. Very, very evil." That shows personality. Right?

I like where I live currently, it's just a change from being in a big apartment for two years. I don't like communal living anymore. If I were in school, I wouldn't mind it. But I want my own place. I miss having Kara around to hang out with and talk to. Hopefully soon I can get an apartment...and maybe Kara will come live with me again...ehh ehhhh???

Anyway, I went around to places today applying. Most of them were stores. 1)Yes, I abhor retail to all ends, but I need money. 2)I have no idea where anything is so the first thing I see I run in and apply. 3)Did I mention I need money? I was hoping that NC had a pop bottle deposit, but they don't. Dang it. At any rate, I'm still going back out the next couple of days to apply. I'm thinking of getting some banks, too, since this town is teeming with banks. I still have a lot to find though. But one of these days this week, I am just going to take a break and relax. I've been going non-stop for about 2 weeks and I'm wiped out. All the moving and car rides and seeing/meeting people has worn me out. I'm emotionally and physically tired and I'm majorly stressed out. I need to take a day and just rest.

But to help clear away some of that stress I went on over to Duke University tonight and ran on a sweet trail near campus. It's all wooded and a lot of people run/walk on it. Mine was a culmination of both. I ran some, walked some, and listened to music the whole way. Everyone is so smiley here. It's amazing... A girl I was walking past about my age smiled at me a friendly smile as she ran by. I thought about running back and asking her if I could be her friend, then I realized how utterly pathetic that would be. The trail is unpaved and hilly. I like unpaved. Cement hurts my knees and shins. What I did run went pretty well. I just haven't run in a long time and I lost all my muscle when I was sick. At any rate, it helped.

Things to obtain:

-apartment

-bike

-dog

-tv

-job

-friends

Things to take note of:

-Wal Mart is not a super center

-no one seems to care about the speed limit

-people say "God bless you" a lot here (yes, God, please bless me...)

-Duke University looks like building that you see in Europe

-BPs are everywhere

The first words I heard in North Carolina were: "Shut up, Brandon!"

Relatable songs I heard on the way here:

-"Breakaway" Kelly Clarkson

-"Who Wouldn't Wanna Be Me" Keith Urban (really, like only one line of that song, though)

-"Heads Carolina, Tails California" Jo Dee Messina

-"Livin' On A Prayer" Bon Jovi

Mom is calling me everyday to check on me.

I am currently in eastern Tennessee in a hotel room chilling out after my drive today. I'm not too far from NC, which is nice. It's nice driving through the beautiful mountains. I figured I'd stop halfway and I'm glad I decided to do that because I am extremely tired.

Quick recap:

-Wednesday/Thursday drove to TN for the reunion at my aunt's house

-saw that the temperature was approximately 1 million degrees in TN

-found $17 in the pocket of my swim shorts that I never knew was in there...and the last time I wore those shorts was 2 years ago in Hawaii

-swam in the pool, drank some drinks, had many laughs, listened to great music, and ate great food

-said goodbye to my family

-went off on my this morning

It's very weird saying goodbye to my family. I feel so bad. I almost feel like I am betraying them because I am leaving them. But I know they don't feel that way. I just really want to be around Shelby because I love her so much and I love seeing my sister be a momma. I feel bad because my brother hates where he lives and feels trapped, too. And I feel bad because I know my parents don't want me to move away but they know that I need to move away to try and make something happen. They all know that. I just feel like I am hurting them.

Anyway, I'm currently in panic mode. I haven't really panicked about this move at all until now. I am freaking out. I'm freaking out because I have zero money and if I can't find something within this first month, I am homeless. Homeless is the lowest thing I could be and I'd rather not be homeless or else I may be tempted to jump off a cliff. So I'm panicking because a)I have no money whatsoever, b)I have no source of income whatsoever.

Dear God, what am I doing?

However, even though I miss people extremely bad and currently feel a tad lonely, I am still super excited. I am happier right now, with complete uncertainty in my life, than I would be if I were in Jackson. I am not even kidding you when I say I become nauseated when I think of that town.

I talked to CJ last week and he asked me if I wanted to hang out in Durham at some point in time (SAU soccer guy CJ...who is going to Duke grad school...). We totally planned on it, but then turns out he has a kidney stone and needs to chill out for a while. So I won't see him as soon as I thought. I was looking forward to hanging out with him, even though I don't know him that well, because it would be nice to have a friend around and a familiar face. I'm kind of bummed that we can't hang, but I understand.

Earlier tonight I went outside my hotel to have a look at the scenery. I love mountains, whether they are rocky or dusty or covered in trees. I sat outside for a while on the grass behind the hotel just looking at the mountains and feeling the warm breeze on my skin. It felt refreshing.

In other news, Kara called me...from India...on my cell phone...and I totally answered. It was perfect timing, too, because I didn't have any cell phone service until I pulled out of the drive way this morning. She called the second I got service back. And also, I was really sad because I just said goodbye to my mom and dad and brother. It was nice just to hear her voice and know that she is okay. Kara, good timing.

Anyway, I'm going to chill out in my room and watch some "My Cousin Vinny" that is on TBS right now. And hopefully I'll sleep tonight.

I miss you all! And you are all welcome to come and see me any time!

josh 1:9